


I am a Sculptor, a Molder of Form

by zenjen



Category: Reylo - Fandom, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy, Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker
Genre: Angst and Feels, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, But will make them suffer a little first, F/M, Force Bonds, Force Dyad (Star Wars), Post-Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker, Reylo - Freeform, Soulmates, Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker Fix-It, Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker Spoilers, The Force Ships It
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-01-01
Updated: 2020-01-15
Packaged: 2021-02-27 16:34:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,420
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22070098
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zenjen/pseuds/zenjen
Summary: After the events on Exegol, Rey struggles through her grief over the loss of her soulmate, Ben Solo.  All is not lost.  As she makes her way through her own emotional and spiritual journey, she soon discovers that no one is ever really gone.
Relationships: Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren
Comments: 13
Kudos: 14





	1. Exegol

**Author's Note:**

> Hello all! This is my very first multi-chapter fanfic and certainly the first one I’ve ever shared online. I’ve only ever written a few drabbles for other fandoms and kept them to myself. Thanks to my beta, Kiley, for being my Reylo buddy and doing me the honor of proofreading my first ever Reylo fanfic. I started this on Christmas Day several days after seeing TROS in the theater and felt that the film didn’t quite capture the stages of grief Rey most likely was feeling. Hope you enjoy and rest assured there will be a happy ending!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Be with me...
> 
> Be with me...
> 
> Be with me....”
> 
> Rey pushes the thought through her bond to Ben, still, lifeless, and clutching onto her hand. Instead of hearing his usual eager response, she is met with a deafening silence. She thinks, with a stinging realization, that she barely had the briefest of moments to finally accept his hand, only for him to leave her.

_I am a sculptor, a molder of form.  
In every moment I shape an idol.  
But then, in front of you, I melt them down  
I can rouse a hundred forms  
and fill them with spirit,  
but when I look into your face,  
I want to throw them in the fire.  
My souls spills into yours and is blended.  
Because my soul has absorbed your fragrance,  
I cherish it.  
Every drop of blood I spill  
informs the earth,  
I merge with my Beloved  
when I participate in love.  
In this house of mud and water,  
my heart has fallen to ruins.  
Enter this house, my Love, or let me leave. ___

____

__

-Rumi

_______________________________________

“Be with me...

Be with me...

Be with me....”

Rey pushes the thought through her bond to Ben, still, lifeless, and clutching onto her hand. Instead of hearing his usual eager response, she is met with a deafening silence. She thinks, with a stinging realization, that she barely had the briefest of moments to finally accept his hand, only for him to leave her.

She gazes upon Ben’s face with the desperation of a woman whose heart is slowly breaking. His fingers, intertwined with hers, began to turn cold and less substantial. Her eyes, brimming with tears, witness his body turn gray before it slowly began to disappear. 

Wildly frantic, she closes her eyes, making another desperate attempt to communicate to him through their bond. “It can’t be! Ben, please, be with me. Stay with me...please!” Receiving no response, she chokes back a sob, ignoring the bitter tang of blood and dust in her mouth.

Stroking his soft raven locks, she leans in, eyes scanning his features. His once fierce face is now still and his plush lips that she can still feel against her own, no longer hold the heartbreakingly beautiful grin that signaled his happiness. His golden brown eyes were closed, long lashes unmoving on his cheeks. 

She feels cheated of his warmth after feeling such intense joy only moments before. Their kiss should have sealed their happiness. Surely this was not their destiny. Why must they be separated after finally reaching a mutual understanding?

His form finally disappears and the only proof she has of his presence are the remnants left behind—the warmth on her skin from his touch and the simple clothing and boots he wore when he came to Exegol to fight by her side. Despite everything she’s witnessed, a part of her refuses to believe this is it, that he is gone forever. She picks up his clothing, determined to get them back to the ship. "Perhaps he’ll need them later," she thinks hopefully to herself. A bubble of laughter escapes her in her shocked state as she thinks of her sweet Ben walking around naked, dazed, and confused while looking around for his clothing.

____

__

A loud boom overhead shakes her out of her reverie. The walls around her start to crumble and large statues topple over, blocking some of the steps around the arena. She knows she needs to leave and get back to the ship, as the world around her is collapsing and the war continues to rage on in the inky blue skies above. Rey looks wildly around for the two lightsabers. Spotting them several yards from the throne, she pulls them to her through the force and clips them to her belt. Bundling Ben’s clothing and boots in her arms, she gets to her feet and breaks into a sprint through a maze of black-armored bodies, then scrambles onto the platform that would lead her back to the surface. She feels a pang in her chest; her need to help her friends outweighing her desire to stay behind and make sense of the last few moments of her life. Leaving Exegol feels like leaving Ben and she feels guilty for it.

The night makes room for the day, as the light of first dawn approaches. The lightning storms and dust had settled since her initial arrival. Rey climbs into the cockpit of Luke’s x-wing and places Ben’s belongings on the right-side console. Looking up and out of the cockpit, she sees the TIE fighter Ben used to get to Exegol. It is another stinging reminder that he was here.

After punching in her coordinates for the atmosphere above, she set the power level and pulls back on the yoke. As she takes to the skies, she could not help but look down at the TIE again as it becomes smaller and smaller on the planet’s surface. The sharp pain in her chest turns into a dull throb as she says goodbye to something else of his that she has to leave behind.  
_______________________________________

Minutes pass and her mind wanders as she waits to dial-in to the fight. She thinks back to that moment when she was facing off with Palpatine alone, feeling Ben’s presence before emerging through the dark corridor, shed of his Kylo persona. He seemed light, confident, and determined....

“Rey,” he had communicated to her through their bond. “I’m here. Let me help you.” With the assurance that he came back to her, for her, she sent Luke’s saber to him. He pulled it up from behind, and with a glorious determination set on his face, he shrugged his shoulders and resumed his fight against those that swore their allegiance to him....

She pushed those thoughts aside for now, compartmentalizing them to be examined later.

“Focus, Rey, focus.” She needs to get to the Resistance.


	2. Fight or Flight

_It doesn’t interest me  
what planets are  
squaring your moon...  
I want to know  
if you have touched  
the centre of your own sorrow  
if you have been opened  
by life’s betrayals  
or have become shrivelled and closed  
from fear of further pain. ___

__\--Stanza 3 of “The Invitation” by Oriah Mountain Dreamer_ _

___________________________________ _

__

__Rey’s eyes widen in surprise as she looks at the number of starships scrambling past her and blasting holes in the underside of each enemy star destroyer, their actions sending shock waves to her ship. The chaotic dance, created by the sheer number of starships in the air, rattles her cockpit’s windshield and leaves her ship’s wings trembling in their afterburn. She instinctively ducks her head for a millisecond to avoid being injured, forgetting that she has the safety of the cockpit windshield to protect her from the maelstrom outside. Narrowly escaping a detonated proton bomb from a nearby Y-wing, she grips tighter on the controls, barrels to the right, and scans the horizon for any familiar Resistance starships to flank in the chaos surrounding her._ _

__Eyes darting left and right impatiently, Rey decides to reach out into the Force for any familiar signatures. Pushing out a wide net with her senses, she feels two small, steady pinpoints of energy she recognizes as Poe and Chewie. She stretches her senses out farther into the horizon and recognizes Finn’s signature, a stronger and strangely larger pulsating thrum of energy._ _

__“They’re alright,” she realizes and releases a small breath she didn’t know she was holding. Her initial determination to find and support her friends eases in the light of finding them apparently triumphant during the heat of this battle._ _

__Recognizing that Poe’s signature is the closest, she comms him and steers her ship in his direction. Pieces of shrapnel whiz past and spacecraft encased in balls of smoke and fire obscure her vision, as Rey maneuvers out of the way countless times to avoid being hit. She coughs repeatedly as the smell of smoke, dust, and burning fuel fills her lungs. The air filters inside the cockpit can’t keep out the stench of dead and dying ships as they make planetfall._ _

__“Poe, I’m heading in your direction.”_ _

__“Wooo, Rey! Welcome back! Listen, we’re trying to keep the star destroyers from reaching hyperspace launch altitude. So far, so good. Lando got us a boat load of reinforcements. It’s crazy! Don’t know how he managed it. But you’re still our best fighter, Rey. We can still use your help.”_ _

__“I’ll come flank your starboard side.” Rey zooms towards him and experiments with her weapon systems, but finds that they are either jammed or perhaps waterlogged from the x-wing’s exile at Luke’s island._ _

__“Kriff! Poe, I’m not going to be able to help you. My weapon systems are down!”_ _

__“OK, Rey! Don’t worry. Just head on outta here. Take evasive action. We’ll meet you back at the base.”_ _

__Not waiting for an answer, Poe speeds away to escape a near-collision from a fellow X-wing and banks left, rejoining the fight._ _

__Rey looks up and out at the Final Order fleet, dozens of them stranded and breaking apart, crashing down in a rain of debris. The Resistance seems to be gaining the upper hand and it solidifies her decision to head back to base._ _

___________________________________ _

__

__The flight back is difficult as she travels through the veil of red gas fields past Exegol’s atmosphere. With the help of the Wayfinder and a quick tap into the Force to help guide her way, she steers the ship in an almost zig zag pattern, up and around various asteroids and debris caught in the veil. In the distance, Rey sees straggling First Order ships attempt to navigate through a thick cloud of red gas heading towards Exegol’s atmosphere, some of which don’t make it, as their wings are clipped and torn by swirling debris heading up from the fight below._ _

__Hiding behind a nearby asteroid, Rey waits to make her escape. A lone TIE fighter zooms past her and she waits a few moments to ensure there are no other ships in the vicinity. As no other spacecraft follow the TIE, Rey seizes the opportunity to move out of the veil and navigates her ship out into wide open space. After increasing the distance between her ship and Exegol, she sets the controls on auto-pilot and nestles herself as much as she can into the cramped pilot seat, cocooned under the shield and blanket of stars._ _

__Rey’s adrenaline starts to wear off and with it comes the exhaustion and inability to block out painful thoughts and feelings. The aftermath of the last few hours weighs heavily on her. She knows she needs to decompress--to shake off the stress, grief, and despair that has clutched at her heart. The unwavering guilt from surviving without Ben by her side slashes at her, like barbs on a wire. It ensnares her, but as she struggles to remove herself from it, she finds herself sinking further down and drowning in a pit of loneliness and sorrow. Ben had, in one form or another, been a part of her life for over a standard year since their bond was first opened. Regardless of her feelings at any given moment for him and her past attempts to shut him out of their bond, he was a constant presence, always waiting and eager to communicate with her. She now feels a void in their bond and without him to reach out to, she is devastated and regretful for not doing more to match his eagerness in connecting with her in the past._ _

__Rey replays the last moments of her time with Ben, racking her brain on how things could have ended in the Sith citadel so differently. Pain, so much emotional pain...and unyielding anguish wash over her heart, like an ocean swell, so heavy and full. Rey is stuck under the pressure of its magnitude. With one long exhale, she allows the ache in her chest to radiate out into the rest of her body. It proves too much to bear and she screams out in agony. Hot, angry tears begin in earnest from her eyes as she shakes in violent sobs. Her hands feel like live wires, an undercurrent of energy coursing through her veins._ _

__She wants to hit something, anything to get this energy out. Fighting every impulse to lash out and destroy the control panels in her ship and getting her lost in space, she uses every bit of her energy to open up her balled fists. She puts her palms on her closed eyes, the pressure feeling good on her face, and begins her meditative breathing._ _

________________________________ _

__

__Breathe..._ _

__Her mind projects a myriad of images behind her closed eyelids. A clattering din of falling bodies replay through her mind. First is of Ben’s body being thrown back, hitting rocks before tumbling into an unknown abyss. Although she did not observe it herself, her bond with Ben made her feel it in that moment back in the Sith citadel. The image changes to that of ships, a vast number of them on both sides spiraling down onto Exegol, rattling the shield of her cockpit and sending vibrations into the interior panels surrounding her pilot’s seat. This picture in her mind is chased by another one, this time of the veil of red gas fields pulling her ship back and forth as she maneuvers away from Exegol, reminding her of the strong winds and sea that attempted to toss her around in the skimmer she used to get to the remnants of the Death Star on Kef Bir._ _

__Breathe..._ _

__She then thinks of Ben’s smile after their kiss, focusing on the feeling of seeing him grin for the first time since they first laid eyes on each other a year ago..._ _

__Breathe..._ _

__Most of the images recede one by one in her mind. The one of Ben falling into the pit remains, accompanied by a dull ache in her body, but it is outshone by the radiance of the picture in her mind of Ben’s smile. His grin is her anchor, her lifeline, that she knew she needs to focus on._ _

__With a few more deep breaths, she finally feels able to take her palms off her eyes. The current coursing through her fingers fade into a mild tingle and taut muscles relax back to their resting state._ _

__Although the physical pain and tingling sensations from her heartache leave her frame, they are replaced by a numb hollowness as she contemplates the current status of things in her life. She got what she wanted in taking Ben’s hand, she defeated Palpatine, and solidified her place with the Jedi, but at what cost?_ _

__Feeling emotionally drained, her eyes begin to drift shut. She finds herself dreaming of an island and golden brown eyes gazing at her with pure adoration. In this dream she feels safe...she feels at home._ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I dropped a proton bomb (ha!) reference (a very quick one) at the beginning of the chapter. According to the SW TROS Visual Dictionary, Rose developed custom proton bombs for B- and Y-wing fighters that she nicknamed "the Paiger" in honor of her fallen sibling. I wish I knew this during the movie.
> 
> Chapters 3 and 4 are in the works. They need some finishing touches before heading over to my beta reader. (Thank you, my dear beta, for agreeing to read what was initially intended to be a drabble, but turned into a planned multi-chapter fic).
> 
> If you like this work so far, please leave me some kudos or comments. They fuel my muse and give me enthusiasm and confidence to keep going with this fic. For those who are uncomfortable with Rey's grief, please know that there will be a happily ever after and it involves Benny boy.

**Author's Note:**

> Please be gentle with the comments. I am still learning and growing with my fiction writing skills.


End file.
